i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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