The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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