now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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