I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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