No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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