apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
