He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
