1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
