Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's the barista slut.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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