I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
