My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
