My boss' voice literally gives me gas
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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