I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
