Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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