Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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