I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
