just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
