9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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