also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
