i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh†while his GF was with him. FML
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