The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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