woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
