Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
