Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
