just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize