My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
