Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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