I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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