guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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