smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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