oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
