i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
