i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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