Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
