just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize