I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize