Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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