At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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