My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
