My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
