is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
