Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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