The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
