I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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