I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
