I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
