He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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