The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
