So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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