I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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