I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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