That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize