Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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