The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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