I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My life is pants optional.
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