every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
