never play flip cup with pint glasses
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
