My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
