I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
