I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
