Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
