for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
