you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
