I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
