Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
