You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
