I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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