I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
