party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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