Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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