Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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