Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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